so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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