There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I need to stop coming to work sober
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
