I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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