I am puke
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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