Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
