He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
