Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
