Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
