1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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