just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
