Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
