Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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