I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
