he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So much rum. So many feels.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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