laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
