Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
