Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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