his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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