I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
