i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
