sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
