I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
