He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we're making bets on your personal life
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
