So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
