why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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