I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
