I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
