Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
