Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
