What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
