You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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