Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
