At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
