I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
