Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
