After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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