He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
