I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
