I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
