i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
