He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
