Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
