I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
