grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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