Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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