K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
