Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
