No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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