Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
