Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
