theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
