drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Randomize
