Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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