biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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