the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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