I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
